The Loneliest Lonely

A mom friend recently told me about the following situation.

Immediately after the birth of her second child, her husband would wake up with her for diaper changes.  Not for feedings, which she had to do on her own because she was breastfeeding, but for the diaper changes that happened after the feedings.  He would wake up, sit up, and take the dirty diaper out of her hands.  Not a huge effort, but a hugely meaningful one.  It meant that she wasn't alone in the world when a living adult person was sleeping next to her.

And that's really the loneliest lonely.  When you're all alone, even when another living person is physically, but not emotionally, there with you.

I can't think of a deeper feeling of loneliness.

And she was lucky, because he didn't allow her to feel that.  He sat up in bed, spoke a few words, and took the dirty diaper and put it in the garbage can.  It was a simple thing to do, but it meant everything.

And then, gradually, he stopped helping.  The baby started sleeping through the night, and the morning started feeling less dire.  And instead of waking up and taking care of their older kid while she slept or fed the baby, he started letting her take care of both kids.  She was now working on a full night of sleep, and he had work to do and to get ready for, and she was the first to hop out of bed at the sound of the kids waking.

And over time, this became normal.  And as the baby got older, she had more work to do in the morning.  Feeding and dressing both kids became a bigger, kid-chasing, messy-spooning, you-take-another-bite-threatening, waffle-toasting, lunch-packing, hair-brushing, tooth-brushing, face-washing, potty-reminding, get-out-the-door-in-time-scrambling, mess.

And some mornings, when she was doing all this, he was still there.  Taking his shower.  Putting on his clothes.  Getting ready for his day at the office.  Which, granted, was very important.  The family needed him to go to work.  And she worked from home, which meant she bore the brunt of the family care.  But one day, she realized that she felt totally, deeply alone.

And she asked me if this is normal.

And I didn't know what to say.

It shouldn't be?  But it is?  I hope it's not?  But I've heard it so many times before.  And I've felt it myself.

It's so easy to lose yourself in childcare.  To lose sight of teamwork in a marriage.  And it's so easy for the person with a difficult day job to prioritize their own schedules above your family's.  In so many ways, they have to.

And it's so easy to fall into a pattern where this feels normal.  One person does overwhelming work to care for the kids and the other works hard to make money and just isn't there most weekdays.  Weekends are the rare times when everybody comes together and then the kids get confused and sometimes frantic and overly excited, and then it's back to the one-parent model for the rest of the week.

It's nobody's fault, it's not ideal, and long hard workdays for the full-time wage-earners don't help.

But for the mom who's stuck in it, feeling isolated and alone, and unsure about whether that's even ok to feel, it's ok.  Even if he's paying most of the bills, it's ok to feel alone, tell him that, and ask for help in the times of day when he can reasonably provide it.  It's better to ask for it than to spend years feeling overburdened, lonely and isolated.  That's a really harmful set of feelings.  And it makes for a very sad, very deep feeling of loneliness that damages marriages and families.  I don't wish that on this mom friend, I don't wish it on you, and it's devastating when I feel it myself.

So please ask for help when you need it.  Taking care of two kids is hard, hard work.  It's not the same as a demanding office job, it's not even comparable.  Two different worlds.  In fact, I'd often argue that the office job is easier, at least in the amount of begging, cleaning, arguing and tackling involved.  If you're feeling overwhelmed, ask for help from your partner.  And if and when he agrees to help, let him.

The image of the selfless mother who sacrifices every bit of her energy and sanity to raise her kids, with no help from anyone, is absolutely nuts.  Don't allow this idealized vision of motherhood to stop you from asking for support and defending your own basic needs.  You don't need to be oppressed to be a good mother.  You know what you do need?  Help.  Every day.  Find it wherever you can.