The Myth of the Selfless Mother

One of the stories that most haunted me in my early days of parenting was one about African mothers who were shocked when they heard of American mothers leaving their children alone to sleep in a crib in their own rooms.  These African mothers considered it unthinkably cruel.  I took this assessment at face value (partly because it was supported by Dr. Sears - more on that later), and for months I worried about whether I was being cruel to my daughter in all my normal parenting activities.

I worried about it in moments when I just needed a minute alone to breathe and I left her in her crib, crying, when I was on the verge of crying too.  In those moments when I was at the end of my rope, I managed to make myself feel worse by heaping guilt on top of inundation. That worry hung over every parenting decision I made.  What I didn't spend one minute worrying about was whether I was being cruel to myself.  

And none of the parenting books or discussion groups that I saw seemed to care about that either.  Nobody ever asked, "Are you being kind to yourself?"  It's just expected that a mother's self-respect and self-care should come after the respect and care of her children.  But what kind of lessons are we teaching our children if we don't respect, care for and love ourselves?  They learn by example.  If we want them to respect themselves, not only do we have to respect them, but we have to show them what it looks like when a person respects herself.  That includes sometimes putting your needs above those of your kids, and explaining exactly why.

So when those kids are crying and you just need a minute to make a cup of coffee, take a breath, and give yourself a little high five, take it.  The kids can cry.  They won't be destroyed.  And they'll learn an important lesson about self-respect and self-care from the person they care about the most.