Be Nice to Yourself - For Feminism!

Letter from a Mom Friend:

"I was taking inventory of my day and I realized I usually score myself based on how few times I lost it on the kids. It's usually something like, "I blew my top and yelled twice, so not bad, but I should try and keep it together." Or by how enriching the day was, so something like, "I Ieft the Today show on too long, or was on personal calls--so I am sure I neglected them too much and I could have been doing rhyming cards with S or having more direct contact with E." And then there is the technology thing, "I spent way too much time on my phone, or online, that needs to stop." And then I thought....Wait! I am not scoring on the good stuff. I made my kids three nutritious meals, as well as ate well in front of them and talked to S about food choices and why we eat what we eat. I kept the TV off, except for her poop-reward obligatory show. We read umpteen books and practiced our German. I didn't drag them out for a thousand errands because I know they felt crummy, despite my growing cabin fever. I said how great they were, praised them for their good behavior and achievements and was the kind attentive mommy most of the day. AND I have postponed my life and career to be good to them and let them know how important they are. AND I only yelled once..... SO the good way outweighs the bad most days. But the guilt overshadows that. So now I promise to myself to score the good with bad, and tomorrow doesn't look so bleak."

Letter to a Mom Friend:

Let's take a quick inventory of the things you did in a single day.  You made healthy food, talked about healthy food, modeled healthy eating.  You praised your kids, respected their need to rest, read a lot of books, and PRACTICED GERMAN.  You gave them attention and affection.  

I think our culture of motherhood is clearly deranged when a parent can do all those things and still have that little thought in the back of her mind that maybe she shouldn't have spent those 15 minutes talking on the phone for her own personal sanity.

You have already given your kids everything they need.  They have love, they have play, they have attention and nutrition, they have a mommy who obviously loves them and spends time with them.  But you pile guilt on yourself whenever you give yourself even a tiny portion of what YOU need.  

Watching the Today Show or talking on the phone to a friend or checking email or reading stuff online is not bad parenting.  It's giving yourself a tiny (tiny!) glimpse into the world of adults.  You are an adult and you desperately need those little glimpses.  Actually, you need a lot more than glimpses, but those tiny little ones are enough to barely keep you going, and you shouldn't put them on the "negative" side of the ledger of today's accomplishments.  

This is something that I struggle with too, every day.  That insidious voice in the back of my head that says that if I'm taking time for myself, I'm not trying hard enough.  Or that if I NEED time for myself, I'm not a good enough mother.  If I need to take 15 minutes out of an entire day to talk to a friend, I must not love my children enough.

But that's bullshit and we all know it, deep down.  That voice in the back of your head isn't you.  It's the voice of some crazy person you read in a parenting discussion forum on the internet.  Or an older woman who has forgotten how hard it can be and tells you how she adored every second (every single one!) of motherhood.  Or the mom you know who only talks about how much she loves and enjoys her kids and never admits that some days it's too much.  Or a movie you saw where the mom gave her life for her child and was a hero.  Or a tv show where the evil terrible mother wanted only what was best for her and left her children to starve as a direct consequence.  Our examples of pristine motherhood are a little messed up.  

It's so clear that you love your kids, that you're an amazing mom, and that you almost can't do a better job.  No, scratch that.  The only way you can do a better job is to do what you did today, and give yourself credit for all the amazing things you do.

The next step is to give yourself credit for the things you did for yourself, too.  It's hard to remember that it's not a zero-sum game.  The things you do for yourself aren't automatically deducted from the welfare of your children.  So go ahead and check your email, look at your phone, talk to a friend.  Your kids also need some time alone to figure out who they are in the world without you.  Give them that time.  And give yourself a break.  Everybody will be happier for it. And as for the yelling, I'm always nicer to the kids when I'm nicer to myself.  What goes around comes around.

Expecting mothers to give up everything, including their own very minor bits of happiness, for the sake of their children is a perverse expectation.  It does nothing for the welfare of kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  And it teaches them that this is how women should behave.  Sacrificing themselves entirely and berating themselves for every tiny moment of freedom.  I'm not saying we should all abandon our children (I can't believe I even feel the need to make that clear), I just think it's important to remember that it's ok to be nice, generous and forgiving to ourselves.  It's actually good for our kids when we're nice to ourselves.  It teaches them self-respect, forgiveness, resilience, respect for women, and it gives them some space to be themselves.

And if it's good for kids and for moms when moms respect their own needs, it kinda makes you wonder who IS it good for when moms heap guilt on themselves?  What are we playing into by attacking ourselves every day?  Why is the guilt so pervasive?  Next time you're calculating the daily list of grievances, think about who it's really for.