Bribe Your Children

Well, I just read this article making parents feel terrible for bribing their children, and it pissed me off.

The key idea:

"Mr. Pink said the problem with bribing is not the rewards; it’s the contingency, which is a form of control. “Human beings have only two reactions to control,” he said. “They comply or they defy. I don’t think most parents want compliant children, and I don’t think they want defiant children. They want children who are active, engaged and motivated by deeper things.”"

This is hilarious because what do people say to parents whose children are being unruly?  They say "control your child."  Our job as parents is, yes, to guide and teach and develop growing minds and awareness of good and bad and understanding of the social contract, but it's also, in a very real sense, to keep our children in line.  And my daughter knows that.  She certainly does not always respond to bribes with either compliance or defiance.  She often responds with negotiation, questions, excitement or a new perspective on the conflict.

Maybe I'm not understanding the true definition of bribes, but I think most people would agree that "I will give you bunny crackers if you get in the stroller" is a bribe.  And I don't feel at all that I'm damaging her by engaging in this interaction.  The usual parenting advice industry suggestion is that instead of offering a bribe, I should explain to my 3-year old in very reasonable terms why she should get in the stroller and sit still instead of running around pretending to be a superhero.  Or I should try to change her superhero game into a sitting in the stroller game.  Any parent of a 3 year old is laughing at both of those ideas right now.

The fact is that I need her to get in the stroller because we are in a hurry.  She doesn't understand the concept of hurry and she doesn't care.  I can explain it all I want, but she doesn't want to sit down when it's much more fun to run around, and any pathetic attempt at making up a stroller game is very unlikely to work.  So, because I'm a good mom, I think about a way to make sitting in a stroller a little more enjoyable for her.  I offer the bunny crackers.  And all of a sudden her decision is easier to make.  That's not controlling her, that's making it easier for her to voluntarily make the decision I need her to make.  It's certainly less controlling than grabbing her and strapping her against her will into the stroller, which is my last remaining option.

The fact is, we're always controlling our kids, particularly when they're small.  Whether through "explaining"(which often turns into guilting), making up games, bribing, threatening or physical force, we're directing their choices and their schedules.  We have to.  Nobody wants a world run by the unguided choices of 3-year olds.

And bribing is just a dirty word for rewarding.  Why do you go to work all week?  Because you get a bribe at the end of the week in the form of a paycheck.  In fact, my favorite type of bribe is the kind that my daughter has to save up for.  If she stays in her bedroom all night, she gets a star in the morning.  If she gets 7 stars, she gets a present.  Not only has this taught her to stay in her room all night, it has also taught her to save, to wait, to count and, shockingly, to do subtraction in her head ("You have 3 stars, how many more do you need to get a sticker book?" Her instant answer:"4.")

But the best part is that using bribes on a regular basis hasn't, contrary to the hysterical warnings of the parenting advice industry, caused us to become reliant on bribes.  On the contrary, after a few months of using bribes to incentivize behavior that she won't otherwise want to do, she gets used to the behavior.  And I can start "forgetting" the bribes and she doesn't even notice.

Bribing makes undesirable activities a little more desirable.  I'm not forcing her to do something she absolutely hates, or convincing her that she actually shouldn't hate it.  I'm making a deal with her.  It's respectful of her feelings, in the sense that I'm making it easier for her to make an unpleasant decision.  It's not control, it's negotiation.  World leaders do it all the time.

You've never seen parents as happy as they are in December, when we're all allowed to bribe to our hearts' content.  Advent calendars, elf on the shelf, treats galore.  It's parenting heaven because there's always a tool sitting there, ready to help you make a deal.  And then in January we're all guilted into removing these tools, being told by the parenting advice industry that we're causing permanent psychological damage because we're such lazy, lazy, terrible moms for using the tools that we've found to work the best.

You're not damaging your child.  You're not lazy.  Do what works and don't be guilted.  We're all just trying to make it through one day at a time with as much respect and kindness as we can muster.  If a package of bunny crackers makes the difference between sitting in the stroller and not sitting in the stroller, give the bunny crackers, make the kid a little happier, and get on with the day.  Bribing doesn't control kids, it makes them feel like they have a tiny bit of power in a world that doesn't give them any.  It makes your day a million times easier.  And it follows the first and only rule of parenting: do what works.