The Promised Land

I just threw away all of my "how to parent a difficult toddler" books.  I can see the promised land.

This morning,  five minutes before it was time to leave the house, Penny discovered an old activity book that she had never used.  It's been probably 6 months since she last saw it, and all of a sudden the activities in the book (paper dolls, sticker decorating, etc) seemed newly doable. And therefore absolutely necessary to do right now!  But it was time to get out the door.  So I told her that she could carry the book with her in the stroller, but she wouldn't be able to play with it right now.  She agreed, put on her coat, and got in the stroller, holding her book on her lap.

I want to point out a few things about that story that I would have found totally inconceivable a year ago.  First, she listened to reason.  Second, she postponed gratification.  Third, she PUT ON HER OWN COAT.  VOLUNTARILY.  Fourth, I only asked her to put her coat on one time.  Fifth, I only asked her to get in the stroller one time.  Sixth, there was no crying, screaming, rolling on the floor, time out, or injury.

A year ago, I did not believe that we would ever get to this point.  Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in the present, or I hadn't spend time with enough 2-year olds, or I'm just a drama queen, but throughout Penny's two's (and one's) I convinced myself that her arguing, tantruming, boundary-pushing behavior was somehow worse than "normal" terrible two's behavior.  And, even worse, I imagined that no interaction between us would ever be easy.  I imagined fighting terrible-two fights for eternity.  And that was an exhausting and terrible thought.

It's hard to imagine your 2-year old, particularly your first one, ever being a reasonable person.  You've never raised a child past 2 before, you don't know what's coming, and all you know of this person is that she is a raving lunatic most of the time.  I remember buying books about "spirited" or "difficult" children, and being angry and confused about why so many of them didn't even address the twos.  You know why they didn't?  Because "spirited" and "difficult" are synonyms for "2-year-old."  These books were all about the difficulty of having a 9-year-old who acts like a 2-year-old.  A 2-year-old who acts like a 2-year-old is just something you have to get through.

I remember seeing other people's older children, watching how they actually listed to their parents, and thinking, not "I can't wait for that," but "I don't think we'll ever get there."  It's embarrassing how dismally pessimistic I was, but I guess the two's (and one's) have a way of beating you down.  Or me, anyway. And really, when you've only known your child for less than 3 years, with more than half that time being spent in an epic power struggle, it's easy to lose perspective.

Now that Penny is closer to 4 than she is to 3, I am constantly amazed by how often a simple conversation can diffuse disagreements.  She can still be stubborn and contrary, but the amount of time that we spend in conflict has decreased from probably 70 percent in her two's to about 30 percent of the time now.  It's fantastic.  And it keeps getting better.

So be strong moms of two-year-olds!  The promised land exists!  I've seen it!  The hardest part of parenting a toddler (besides subduing a tantruming child multiple times a day) is remembering that there's an end in sight.  And reminding yourself that it's not your fault that your child fights you at every turn.  It's not bad parenting, it's not bad choices, it's a necessary developmental stage and it's just going to suck for a while.  It's so hard to remember that.  Especially when mean old ladies on the street give you dirty looks for every toddler outburst.

But whether or not you remember to keep perspective, one day your kid will respond to disappointing news with a shrug, you will be amazed, and you'll know you're almost out of the toddler woods.  I'm sure there are more new kinds of woods to come, but for now I'm just basking in this clearing.