But take comfort in this: your parents probably didn't do a perfect job raising you, no? And you're pretty great. Yes, there are probably some things you'd like to change about yourself, things that you don't want your kids to carry around. But every person on the planet feels the same way. Nobody loves every part of themselves. Nobody feels psychologically perfect. Because that is impossible.
And it's impossible for your kids to be psychologically perfect too.
D and I try to teach kindness and respect by being kind and respectful to each other and to our kids. But nobody is kind and respectful all the time. We fail almost every day.
Sometimes you get mad or frustrated or impatient or unreasonable. Sometimes so do your kids. Every time that happens, please don't berate yourself for being a bad role model or treating your child unfairly or failing to implement the gazillion parenting rules you've been sent by well-meaning friends and relatives.
Try to relax and remember that the world is not a perfect place, and a psychologically perfect child can't possibly exist in all this mess. Let them see the mess of the world, including the mess that is you, and remember that they'll be fine. Those kids have a great mom. You're smart, kind, generous and fair. Sometimes you lose it, because you're human, but most of the time you're trying to provide a safe home where everybody knows they're loved.
And depending on their personalities, events that happen in their lives, and yes, your influence, your kids will probably, at various points, feel anxious, sad, even depressed. They'll have really dark days, and they'll be unfair to the people they love sometimes. They'll have unhealthy romantic relationships. They'll have unreasonable expectations, and feel frustrated when those are disappointed. They'll lose perspective. They'll fail at something they really try hard to do. They'll get furious at you for reasons they can't explain. Some days, they'll have no hope left. And you can't protect them from any of those things. You can't fix those things. You had to go through them too, and you came through the other side.
So try to save the energy it takes to berate yourself for not lavishing appropriate praise on a piece of your kid's art, or not patiently talking through your kid's refusal to put on clothes for the hundredth time this morning. It's ok to be imperfect yourself, because your kid is imperfect too. She always will be. And it's not your fault.
The kindest thing you can do for both of you is just to be a fellow traveler down the road of imperfection with your kid. Let her know you're there too. And that you're stumbling along together.
D and I try to teach kindness and respect by being kind and respectful to each other and to our kids. But nobody is kind and respectful all the time. We fail almost every day.
Sometimes you get mad or frustrated or impatient or unreasonable. Sometimes so do your kids. Every time that happens, please don't berate yourself for being a bad role model or treating your child unfairly or failing to implement the gazillion parenting rules you've been sent by well-meaning friends and relatives.
Try to relax and remember that the world is not a perfect place, and a psychologically perfect child can't possibly exist in all this mess. Let them see the mess of the world, including the mess that is you, and remember that they'll be fine. Those kids have a great mom. You're smart, kind, generous and fair. Sometimes you lose it, because you're human, but most of the time you're trying to provide a safe home where everybody knows they're loved.
And depending on their personalities, events that happen in their lives, and yes, your influence, your kids will probably, at various points, feel anxious, sad, even depressed. They'll have really dark days, and they'll be unfair to the people they love sometimes. They'll have unhealthy romantic relationships. They'll have unreasonable expectations, and feel frustrated when those are disappointed. They'll lose perspective. They'll fail at something they really try hard to do. They'll get furious at you for reasons they can't explain. Some days, they'll have no hope left. And you can't protect them from any of those things. You can't fix those things. You had to go through them too, and you came through the other side.
So try to save the energy it takes to berate yourself for not lavishing appropriate praise on a piece of your kid's art, or not patiently talking through your kid's refusal to put on clothes for the hundredth time this morning. It's ok to be imperfect yourself, because your kid is imperfect too. She always will be. And it's not your fault.
The kindest thing you can do for both of you is just to be a fellow traveler down the road of imperfection with your kid. Let her know you're there too. And that you're stumbling along together.
No comments:
Post a Comment