Pre-Pregnant Friend:
On the subject of motherhood, I thought of you when I read this Erica Jong article in the WSJ. It's a bit repetitive, but I think the gist of it is spot-on and something that I imagine I will have to work on if and when I have a child (continuing on the theme of, "Don't beat yourself up for not adhering to the arbitrary vision of perfection that you have in your head"). I'd totally love to hear your thoughts on these types of issues, given that parenthood for O and me seems imminent - at least, in the sense that we're thinking we'll likely start the trying to have a baby thing in the fall. Yipes!
Letter to Pre-Pregnant Friend:
I loved that article. Thanks so much for sending it. I did read all the Sears stuff before Penny was born and I was totally gung-ho for attachment parenting. It's only been probably since she was around 10 months old that I stopped following the strict attachment parenting line. I stopped nursing her then, though I did pump until she was a year old out of breastfeeding guilt.
And I didn't let her cry at all at night until she was 14 months old because I didn't want to permanently damage her with the trauma of abandonment. And let me tell you, when we finally did let her cry, and she finally did sleep through the night, I almost instantly turned into a much better and more patient mom and wife because I was getting sleep. One of the things that I think attachment parenting doesn't give any weight to is the happiness of the mom. A happy and rested mom is a better and more patient mom. You can't stay up all night with your kid and be a nice loving person the next day. And I didn't connect those things. I just thought I was always angry because of some personality defect that I had. So for Penny's first year of life, she never spent a night being angry or sad that I wasn't responding to her, but she also never spent a day with a patient rested happy mom. Which is better? That's a tradeoff that the Sears philosophy doesn't even touch. And honestly, I think a kid needs a happy mom in the daytime more than they need an awake mom at night. At least after a certain age (I'm still not sure what that age is, but it's earlier than 14 months).
I have so many conflicting feelings about being a mom, some of them happening all at once, and some of them cycling in and out from day to day or week to week. Some days I think "this is easy!" and other days I think "would Pen be better off if I just got in the car and ran away?" When she throws a giant tantrum in the middle of the playground and it feels like all the other moms and nannies are staring at me as I try to physically force her into the stroller, all I can think is "why am I the only one who is bad at this?" And I forget about all the times I see another mom fighting a tantrum while Penny sits happily in her stroller. I don't judge that woman. In fact, I want to give her a hug.
In general, I really agree with what Erica Jong is saying. There's no perfect way to be a mom, and I have to try so so so hard all the time to keep that in mind. Sometimes I let her watch TV while I feed her lunch, and I don't tell anybody because I don't want to be that mom who lets her kid watch tv in the middle of the day. But her brain is not melting. In fact, she just counted to three the other day. No joke. Was it the TV? You know, it's possible the TV helped. They do a lot of counting on those shows. But I can't help thinking of those Parenting magazine articles that say "NO television for a child under 2, and if you MUST let them watch TV, never do it during mealtime." And I am racked with guilt because a magazine told me that I'm not putting enough effort into my mothering, even though I am absolutely covered in smooshed peas and curdled milk and cracker crumbs, and that's after giving her lunch with the television ON, running around the coffee table after her, shoving peas and broccoli into her mouth. If we have lunch at the dining table, like civilized people, it takes twice as long, she eats half as much, and I end up with 3 times more food on my clothing.
I just had a conversation with the woman who was cutting my hair a couple weeks ago about this. Her son is 4 months old. She told me that she doesn't make enough breastmilk to fill his tummy, so she supplements with formula. Her mother-in-law was some pioneer of the La Leche League and is constantly harping on her to do something to make more milk so she doesn't permanently damage the boy with the few ounces of formula he drinks a day. The poor woman was feeling so guilty. So I said to her, "you know what? you're doing a great job. he's getting breast milk, and he's eating enough food. you do what you have to do." And she had such a look of relief pass over her face, and then it disappeared just as quickly as it showed up and she said "I'm just not making enough milk. I wish I could."
We're so hard on ourselves. And becoming a mom doesn't make that stop. It makes it worse. The worst part of motherhood is that we have so many people to judge ourselves against, and, the really worst part, a lot of those people are actively judging us. It's not all in our heads. People can be at their cruelest when they're passing judgment on mothers. I have never received such cruel looks from strangers as when Penny is not properly dressed for the weather.
And the fact is, breastfeeding IS good for kids. And so is responding to them when they're hungry (even at night). But the thing is, Penny is the happiest when I relax and just have fun with her. If I have the energy and happiness to do a silly dance in the living room, it makes her day. She literally falls on the floor laughing. So isn't it in a kids' interest to have a mom who has that energy and happiness? I'll tell the truth. Sometimes that energy and happiness comes from a 5:00 beer. And sometimes it comes from a day of really productive work when the nanny is here. And sometimes it comes from a really good night of sleep. But it never comes from feeling defeated and insufficient and tired and alone. The moms that make me feel the best are the ones who admit that mothering is stumbling along your own path, making mistakes and compromises, getting frustrated and never ever being perfect. If we could all just admit to each other that we're all doing that, instead of trying to live up to these impossible ideals of perfection, I think we'd all be happier moms. Still covered in peas, and still periodically mortified by our kids, and still sometimes really really angry, but on balance, happier. And therefore more available for our kids.
And I don't want to discourage you from motherhood either. It sounds like you're in a really good spot professionally (and geographically) to have a kid! And for every frustration that I talk about, there's a kid who loves to cuddle and give hugs and make you feel like the most important person in the world. It's worth it. It just would be easier if we all were nicer to each other and ourselves about how messy it is.
And I didn't let her cry at all at night until she was 14 months old because I didn't want to permanently damage her with the trauma of abandonment. And let me tell you, when we finally did let her cry, and she finally did sleep through the night, I almost instantly turned into a much better and more patient mom and wife because I was getting sleep. One of the things that I think attachment parenting doesn't give any weight to is the happiness of the mom. A happy and rested mom is a better and more patient mom. You can't stay up all night with your kid and be a nice loving person the next day. And I didn't connect those things. I just thought I was always angry because of some personality defect that I had. So for Penny's first year of life, she never spent a night being angry or sad that I wasn't responding to her, but she also never spent a day with a patient rested happy mom. Which is better? That's a tradeoff that the Sears philosophy doesn't even touch. And honestly, I think a kid needs a happy mom in the daytime more than they need an awake mom at night. At least after a certain age (I'm still not sure what that age is, but it's earlier than 14 months).
I have so many conflicting feelings about being a mom, some of them happening all at once, and some of them cycling in and out from day to day or week to week. Some days I think "this is easy!" and other days I think "would Pen be better off if I just got in the car and ran away?" When she throws a giant tantrum in the middle of the playground and it feels like all the other moms and nannies are staring at me as I try to physically force her into the stroller, all I can think is "why am I the only one who is bad at this?" And I forget about all the times I see another mom fighting a tantrum while Penny sits happily in her stroller. I don't judge that woman. In fact, I want to give her a hug.
In general, I really agree with what Erica Jong is saying. There's no perfect way to be a mom, and I have to try so so so hard all the time to keep that in mind. Sometimes I let her watch TV while I feed her lunch, and I don't tell anybody because I don't want to be that mom who lets her kid watch tv in the middle of the day. But her brain is not melting. In fact, she just counted to three the other day. No joke. Was it the TV? You know, it's possible the TV helped. They do a lot of counting on those shows. But I can't help thinking of those Parenting magazine articles that say "NO television for a child under 2, and if you MUST let them watch TV, never do it during mealtime." And I am racked with guilt because a magazine told me that I'm not putting enough effort into my mothering, even though I am absolutely covered in smooshed peas and curdled milk and cracker crumbs, and that's after giving her lunch with the television ON, running around the coffee table after her, shoving peas and broccoli into her mouth. If we have lunch at the dining table, like civilized people, it takes twice as long, she eats half as much, and I end up with 3 times more food on my clothing.
I just had a conversation with the woman who was cutting my hair a couple weeks ago about this. Her son is 4 months old. She told me that she doesn't make enough breastmilk to fill his tummy, so she supplements with formula. Her mother-in-law was some pioneer of the La Leche League and is constantly harping on her to do something to make more milk so she doesn't permanently damage the boy with the few ounces of formula he drinks a day. The poor woman was feeling so guilty. So I said to her, "you know what? you're doing a great job. he's getting breast milk, and he's eating enough food. you do what you have to do." And she had such a look of relief pass over her face, and then it disappeared just as quickly as it showed up and she said "I'm just not making enough milk. I wish I could."
We're so hard on ourselves. And becoming a mom doesn't make that stop. It makes it worse. The worst part of motherhood is that we have so many people to judge ourselves against, and, the really worst part, a lot of those people are actively judging us. It's not all in our heads. People can be at their cruelest when they're passing judgment on mothers. I have never received such cruel looks from strangers as when Penny is not properly dressed for the weather.
And the fact is, breastfeeding IS good for kids. And so is responding to them when they're hungry (even at night). But the thing is, Penny is the happiest when I relax and just have fun with her. If I have the energy and happiness to do a silly dance in the living room, it makes her day. She literally falls on the floor laughing. So isn't it in a kids' interest to have a mom who has that energy and happiness? I'll tell the truth. Sometimes that energy and happiness comes from a 5:00 beer. And sometimes it comes from a day of really productive work when the nanny is here. And sometimes it comes from a really good night of sleep. But it never comes from feeling defeated and insufficient and tired and alone. The moms that make me feel the best are the ones who admit that mothering is stumbling along your own path, making mistakes and compromises, getting frustrated and never ever being perfect. If we could all just admit to each other that we're all doing that, instead of trying to live up to these impossible ideals of perfection, I think we'd all be happier moms. Still covered in peas, and still periodically mortified by our kids, and still sometimes really really angry, but on balance, happier. And therefore more available for our kids.
And I don't want to discourage you from motherhood either. It sounds like you're in a really good spot professionally (and geographically) to have a kid! And for every frustration that I talk about, there's a kid who loves to cuddle and give hugs and make you feel like the most important person in the world. It's worth it. It just would be easier if we all were nicer to each other and ourselves about how messy it is.
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