Childbirth options

Letter to a Pregnant Friend:

Natural childbirth is a great idea to try, it's extremely physically challenging and therefore extremely physically satisfying (in a way that I think anyone athletic can appreciate), but depending on the circumstances, it can get too hard.  If things don't go the right way, you can end up in a situation where you can not calm down (I was there) and you are so tired and dehydrated and emotionally fucked that natural labor isn't going to work.  

For me, I tried to do it naturally for 14 hours (6pm to 8am), and by then I was in a situation where if I DIDN'T get the epidural, I was looking at a c-section.  I just really needed to rest and rehydrate, and unless I rested, I wasn't going to dilate past 8 cm.  And that's a game-time decision that you don't have to make beforehand.  It's perfectly acceptable to walk in with a birth plan that says you'd like to try it naturally until it's not working anymore and/or YOU decide it's time to stop (we had a code word for when I wanted to get the epidural, so I could still say "I can't do this" and not really mean it).  


Being in labor is like being high, even if you do it totally naturally.  It's not normal pain.  You get really self-focused and zoned out and time gets weird.  If you're used to focusing on a really hard physical task, you can imagine a little bit what labor is like.  Or maybe a better analogy is having a really bad stomach virus.  You're not really relaxed, or non-relaxed, when you're just trying to make it from one puke to the next.  You just try to make it through.  For me, at a certain point, I did start to panic because things weren't working.  But for the 13 hours before then, I wasn't worried about relaxing, I was just really focused on when the contractions were coming and when they were ending.

Also, it's definitely a good idea to talk to your doctor about your birthing ideas early, so you find out now whether you're on the same page.  If your doctor isn't going to be on your side with a natural birth, you really should change doctors.  My doctor was totally gung ho about me doing it naturally, even though 99 percent of her patients don't.  But she was very good about informing the staff at the hospital what I wanted, so I had a room full of nurses asking to read my birth plan at a hospital with a 30 percent c-section rate.  It was amazing.  I can give you some things to read that support natural childbirth, but I hesitate to recommend too much of that stuff because a lot of it is super strict about natural being the ONLY way to do it, and if you don't you're hurting your baby etc etc.  There are extremists on either end, and the key is finding a reasonable middle ground.  

Really, the most important thing is to find a doctor/midwife who is willing to be flexible and understanding and helpful no matter what happens.  I had a friend who ended up needing an epidural in a birthing center and (in addition to her 40 HOUR LABOR) had to suffer through her nurses criticizing her for getting pain relief.  That's so ugly and wrong.  You don't want to be in a situation where anybody criticizes any decision you make when it comes to having a baby.  Just make sure wherever you end up laboring, you have a doctor/midwife who is totally on your side and will enforce your wishes to the staff.  That's all you need. 

Really, you just need to feel like whatever you need to do is ok with you and with everyone else involved.  If somebody, particularly your doctor/midwife is not 100% behind you, THAT will sabotage you.  Also, another thing to consider is that whichever way you go, you can hire a doula whose whole job is just to be with you, helping you, and on your side.  We used a doula last time and we're using her again this time.  It's a great way to make sure you don't feel lost/outnumbered.