Brag-complaints

Letter from a Pregnant Friend:

I’m catching myself having more feelings of anxiety about what in the world it will be like once the twins arrive. Just the combination of me having no real idea what to expect, but knowing that it will be really hard is a bit terrifying. I also know I’ll have moments where I think back on life, pre-children, and really pine for those days.

Not helping matters is that I just got an email from a friend here with twins who just said the following in an email to me:

I can't believe you are already at 33 weeks.  Oh man, how life is going to change.  I hope you are sleeping in, going to dinner, and seeing movies while you can. ;)

Blech. I don’t need to hear that.

Letter to a Pregnant Friend:
Here's the problem with saying that stuff.  Technically, it's true.  Life will change a lot, you will get less sleep, less opportunities to go out to dinner and movies, and two babies is a different kind of tough than being pregnant with twins (though I'm not sure I'd agree that it's harder, just a different kind of hard).  But when people say things like that, they're kind of bragging.  Because the rest of the truth is that they're proud of what they've accomplished, they love their kids, and while they do miss having more freedom with their evenings, they usually like being parents.  They always tell you about the hard parts, and leave out all the good stuff.  Leaving you sitting there thinking you're in for nothing but miserable longing for the past. And that implication is a lie.

Think of it this way.  When you went to law school, it was a big change.  It was a lot of work, and maybe sometimes you missed your relatively easier college or post-college days.  When you were studying for exams, it felt oppressive.  But eventually you got through because you knew this was what you wanted, and the end goal was not your old life, but a new, different, more grown-up life with a career.  A more regimented schedule, and less freedom.  And you adjusted to that lawyer life, and it became normal.  Different from your old life, less freedom in your days, but not worse, just different and a lot more constrained, and also a lot more satisfying and fulfilling.

Now imagine you were the kind of person this friend is, and you were talking to someone who was about to start law school.  You might say "oh man, you better go out and enjoy your weekends now, you're in for a big change".  And you'd be sort of right, but you'd be leaving out the part about how satisfied you are with your new life and how you wouldn't change it.  You would just be sort of smugly bragging about how much work you've already done.

Having kids is a lot of work, and transitioning from non-parent to parent is hard.  There are really tough days for sure, and on those days (think exam days) you wish you could just take a break, and you can't.  But those days pass, and after a few months you settle into a new normal. And once you get there, it's just normal life again, with more time constraint, more work to do, but so much more satisfaction, fulfillment and, honestly, funny times.  And you settle in, and find yourself enjoying your nightly glass of wine and time with R and regular tv shows after the girls go to bed.  It's almost like your pre-baby evenings.  Only instead of an empty house, you're watching tv with two amazing adorable new people, rosy-cheeked and breathing peacefully right nearby.  And that feels really good.  It fills up your house and your life in the best way.