Letter from Pre-Pregnant Friend:
The funny thing is, over the past couple of days, I have been getting really nervous about having a baby – i.e., whether we can do it, if the stress of a child is going to forever negatively impact O and my relationship, if I’ll totally wig out about gaining weight/watching my body change, if work + baby is going to equal me being a total stressbot, etc. I’m imagining that what set this off may be all of this work stress and the attendant feeling of not being able to keep my head above water when all I have to deal with is work. At the same time and at the risk of relying upon a child as a crutch, I’d kind of love to be able to say, “I have to leave at 6 pm because I have to take care of my child.” It would be nice to have something more important than work to deal with, even if that thing comes with its own very stressful issues. Does that make any sense?
Letter to Pre-Pregnant Friend:
Oh gosh, baby nervousness is inevitable. I was so work-unproductive when I was pregnant with Pen, mostly because I had just endured a ridiculous three years of grad school, but also because I was so amazed at what was happening to my body and wanted to read about it all day. Anyway, I found that I was actually more productive and efficient at working after Penny was born (well, after the nanny arrived when she was 5 months old).
Having a baby does give you an excuse to leave, but it also gives you perspective that you didn't have before. I spent a lot of time before Penny obsessing about my work and whether I was doing a good job and re-doing things I didn't think were good, and after she came along I just didn't put all that importance on work anymore. It was nice, actually. I still wanted to do a good job, but I didn't care so much about it being perfect. I had limited time, so I used it as well as I could, and I got done what I could get done, as quickly as possible. I also enjoyed it a lot more because it was quiet, focused time, which is very different from baby time. There was a frantic-ness about my work approach that disappeared. So even though it seems like you have a full plate and could never fit anything else on there, you just shuffle things around. You can definitely have a baby and a job and still be good at both (you just need help).
As for the other things you're worried about:
Whether you can do it: you definitely can. Total morons have kids all the time. Insanely selfish people have kids all the time. Kids have kids all the time. You are none of those things. You have a lot going for you. There will certainly be rough days, and by rough I mean you'll really feel like a total failure and like you're doing a terrible job and like you were never cut out for this, but those days always ALWAYS pass. And then you get a really good day where you almost can't believe how amazing this kid is and how happy it makes you, and you remember that there's nothing in the whole world that can replicate that feeling and you totally forget about the bad day. Like they say, the highs are higher and the lows are lower. But the highs make the lows worth it, and the lows don't mean you've failed.
Stress of the child messing up your relationship: You know, I think this one is the most difficult one, at least for me. Everybody says you have to have lots of conversations beforehand about how you want to raise the child so that you don't have any bad surprises. I think that's kind of bullshit. Nobody knows how they're going to raise a child until they become parents. Honestly, what you have to have beforehand is an understanding of how you work together, a very good base of communication so you can discuss problems immediately as soon as they arise, the understanding that all your plans will fall to ruin and you will have to improvise together (and not feel slighted if your idea has to fold to his, and vice versa), a feeling of power balance between you, and faith in your relationship. You know how you guys interact and the things that make you fight. Adding a kid to the mix does make all the little simmering things worse, but on the other hand, it also brings them all out into the open. D and I have definitely fought more in the last 2 years than we did in the 3 previous ones. A LOT more. But I think, as much as I hate fighting, it's probably been good for us to be forced to work these things out that we didn't have to address before Penny was around. I think we did a lot of hiding from fights before having a kid, and the urgency of parenthood just put us face to face with the things that we don't like about each other. But I think it's good to face those things, because then you talk about them and start trying to make them better. As long as that's what you do. If you just come face to face with them and don't talk about them, well I think that's where things go wrong for a lot of people.
Body stuff: I honestly don't know how you'll feel about your body changing once you're pregnant. But at least for me, and I've always been pretty body conscious, pregnancy is a whole different thing. Your body is doing an amazing magical thing and you get to feel it every day. You're not just gaining weight. You're building a person. Eating becomes a totally different thing. You're not just eating whatever because you're hungry, you're eating things that turn into a person. So you focus more on getting the right amount of protein, fat, and vitamins to build a really good person instead of just eating little enough to keep you skinny. Also, pregnancy does crazy things to your attitude toward food. The first trimester you feel so weird that you have no choice but to simply follow whatever it is you want to eat. If you're super hungry, you better eat or you'll get nauseous really fast. And then once you're eating that thing that you really wanted, it tastes so damn good for the first few bites, and then all of a sudden a switch turns and you HATE it and have to literally throw the rest in the garbage because you hate it so much (this is the perfect description of first trimester for me, I don't know if it's like this for everyone). How much and what you eat is no longer something you can plan and control. You're just along for the ride. And then there's an awkward month at the beginning of the second trimester when your belly is growing but it's not round yet. That's the worst part because it's the only part when I actually felt fat. You spend the whole month wishing for a big round belly. And after a month, you get one and you love it. But also, at some point in that month, you feel the first kicks. So even though you feel like everyone just thinks you have a flabby fat belly, YOU know that there's a little one in there and it's reminding you with tiny kicks every day. Kind of makes it easier to deal with the un-rounded belly. I guess what I'm saying is that it's such a long and gradual process that you really have a lot of time to wrap your head around it. And for the first time in your life, the things you eat are important to someone else. If you don't eat enough, you're hurting your baby. So you just eat enough. And feel good about it. And stare in awe at the things that are happening to you, and know that it'll all come back after the baby is born. It will.
Anyway, that's all a very long way of saying it's totally normal to worry, but pregnancy and parenthood tend to change you and everything around you in ways that you can't imagine right now. The you that is imagining things to worry about now won't actually still exist once you get pregnant. The new you will have totally new worries and concerns. So feel free to worry, but just know that everything will change and the worries you have now will change. And despite it all, you'll be fine :)
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