Bad Day

Letter to Pre-Pregnant Friend:

I had a really bad day yesterday with Penny.  I actually broke down and cried.  We've got a really destructive dynamic going where I get mad at her for doing something to intentionally piss me off (like repeatedly dumping her cheerios out of the stroller and then crying "i want my cheerios!") and then she gets mad at me for being mad and so she does something else to piss me off (dumping her water bottle out of the stroller, and her blanket, and her teddy bear) and then I get really mad and my fuse shortens to a stub and everything else she does from then on, mistake or no (smearing a tube of 10 dollar chapstick in her hair, spitting her dinner on the floor), makes me absolutely furious, making her furious and she ends up throwing things at me and I end up screaming "time out!!!" and shutting her in her room for 5 minutes.   It was bad.  D came home shortly after I put her in the bath and I told him to take over and went to my room and cried.  Apparently, she told D "mommy mad.  mommy really mad." And all i could think while I was laying there crying was, why couldn't I just be the bigger person and calm down first??  I AM the bigger person.  She won't calm down unless I do, so why do I hold a grudge against a 2 year old??  What kind of terrible mother does that??  In fact, she was the one who calmed down first!  After I was silently angry for a few minutes, she walked up and said "mommy, you ready for bathtime?"  I don't know how we got into this situation where she decides when we're fighting and when we're getting along. Anyway, I know I'm objectively not a terrible mother, but it is hard to feel like I'm doing a good job after a day like that.  

On the other hand, this morning she came in to wake me up with a kiss and a request to "get in mommy bed.  how bout we snuggle."  I guess it's all ups and downs.